Future Simplified Federal Reserve FOMC Statement

Federal Reserve issues FOMC statement

For release at 2:00 p.m. EDT

The Federal Reserve is committed to using its full range of tools to support the U.S. economy in this challenging time, thereby promoting its maximum employment and price stability goals.

We are not thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about raising rates.

To help get to our employment and inflation goals we will buy anything anywhere at anytime. No for real watch us buy stuff we are good at it.

Anyways we will consider raising rates once unemployment is in the 2.5-4% range. We will let inflation overshoot the 2% target to hit the employment goals. If inflation ends up coming in super hot we will be behind the curve but no one has seen inflation in 40 years so who cares.  We believe that the first principle of central bank management is to fully internalize the term YOLO. In the future instead of referring to the zero rate bound we will say “YOLO Rates” because seriously.

Your Boy,

JayPow!!!

Happy Trading and Be Safe,

Dave@PDMacro.com

P.S. If you liked this then take a free two week trial of our service. If you have any questions send me an email or find me over at Twitter @DavidTaggart

P.P.S. Hopefully this was clearly satire. Well I mean it isn’t but it is. Not exactly The Onion but I tried.